On The Edge

Back in May and early June time was crawling forward as I waited to be reunited with my family. Time seems to be going far too fast for me now. I want summer to stay much longer. I am dreading the end of summer. I can't seem to get my feet under me and I feel like I need more time. I have struggled on and off with depression for years and I can recognize the symptoms. Major life changes always seem to be a time when I have to really watch myself. I am trying hard to get stuff done around the house but what I want to do is lie down and zone out all day. It is a struggle to get myself moving. When I am successful and I get some of the things on my list done I feel better. When I give in and zone out I feel worse. So you would think that would make it a no-brainer. All I have to do is get up and get moving to feel better. Right? Wrong. I wish it was that easy. Even though I am aware of the trap...even though I can see that solution....my brain tells me to just give up and take a nap. The desire to just hide in sleep is tempting beyond belief. What I am hiding from is another question all together. I could whine and whine and whine all day but none of those petty things are really the cause of my feeling so bad. It is irrational and stupid but seemingly uncontrollable. I have tried medicines in the past. I hate being on meds. I always end up going off of them once I am back on my feet so to speak. I'd prefer to just ride this bout of depression out and conquer it myself. If I will be able to is yet to be determined. I won't let myself fall too far off the cliff. Luckily, I have a great husband who gets that sometimes I can't control how I feel. He won't let me fall too far off the edge without sending me a lifeline. The love of my kids is also a huge help. They aren't really aware of how important they are to me or how much I love them. I refuse to let them down too much...though as a dear friend once said " your not doing your job as a mom unless your kids think your a little crazy". Well, I am sure then that I am doing a brillant job *smirk*

Sunday...Moody Sunday

The house is so quiet. Everyone should be up and about. Everyone should be doing some chores. We should have gone to church. But.....Nah.....not today. I feel surprisingly like doing nothing. All but myself and my youngest are still snoozing. He is off playing on the Wii so he isn't bothering me. Actually I had to make him cinnamon toast to make him go away. But now that his belly is full he is fine and I am alone with my thoughts. It is sunny and hot outside. I can hear the roar of lawn mowers. Ours certainly needs to be mowed but its too hot for that, at least for us. I should be cleaning and unpacking and getting this place into shape. But...Nah...not today. Maybe it is just my depression talking, maybe it is just a lazy Sunday, maybe it is just exhaustion. There are so many things we "should" be doing. So many things that "ought" to get done. So many thoughts I don't want to be thinking about today. Yesterday my oldest turned 14. How is that possible? It doesn't seem possible. Time slips away in such a strange way. Days seem to take forever and years fly by. So maybe just for today I slow down and ignore all the shoulds and oughts and just let myself be grumpy.