Summer is almost over

My summer ends brutally early. The 20th is my first day of prep for the new school year. I am ambiguous about the start of school this year. I have truly been spoiled by working in New Hampshire. I was making lots more money, I had a great boss, there was very little paperwork, and administrative bullshit was kept to a minimum. While I am always excited to take on new challenges and work with new kids; I can't seem to rid myself of the sadness at leaving my dream job in New Hampshire. I will have to be a big girl and get over it I suppose.

I guess the thing that really ticks me off is knowing how I will be treated. I've worked at this school before and they aren't bad people. I know they are trying their best to educate kids. The thing is they have a tendency to treat the teachers without any professional respect. I hate clocking in and clocking out like a factory worker. I hate that they insist on forms and 3 days notice before you can leave early for a doctors appointment or something at your kids school. I hate that they penny pinch the hours like we were irresponsible. They don't compensate you for the extra hours worked...they don't acknowledge the tons of extra time put in but heaven help you if you leave 10 minutes early. I so dislike that approach. They expect us to be professional and then treat us like a bunch of children. So if your late one morning and you spill coffee on your pants and your stuck at a traffic light and your 10 minutes late you have to sulk into the building like a teenager trying not to get caught. Sheesh....intolerable. Any other profession where people are at a masters level or beyond would never treat their employees like that. If we are salaried employees why are they treating us like hourly employees. I know, its stupid but it pisses me off. Teachers just aren't treated with much respect.

The truth

My last post was perhaps a little too truthful. It wasn't long after I posted that my sister called and she was worried. Of course I should have anticipated that some people who know me might be disturbed by explaining my feelings of depression. In fact on some level I did. I censured some of what I was feeling, hopefully without diluting the sentiment. After my sister called and I assured her I was OK; I began thinking about this blog and its purpose. I suppose I wanted to express myself and air out the things that were running around my brain. I wanted someone...some anonymous someone to read these thoughts and perhaps connect to them in some small way. The catch is that I also wanted some of the people I care about to read these thoughts as well. Which of course leads to my dilemna. It is easier to really put into words what is in my head if noone is going to read those words. It is terribly difficult to be 100% honest knowing that others are going to read and then form judgements about your thoughts. As I slowly woke this morning I was mulling over my feelings on this honesty issue. A very wise friend told me once that the highest level of friendship meant that you could be more honest with them than it was possible to be with anyone else. Then as I checked my homepage the quote of the day jumped out at me.

The stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult it is.
Willa Cather (1873-1947)

Isn't that odd that just as I was thinking of these things this quote appeared? It is difficult to be really brutally honest. It is difficult to know that others may think ill of you because of your thoughts or ideas. It is difficult to be judged. Of course not many people are reading my little blog but just the same. So, if my rantings have bothered any I love I am sorry for that. I am going to continue to be as honest as I can. After all I guess if I wanted it really private I wouldn't put it on a blog. It is somehow much more cathartic knowing that someone will read what I wrote. Feel free to comment time to time and let me know if I am crazier than I thought *grin*.

On The Edge

Back in May and early June time was crawling forward as I waited to be reunited with my family. Time seems to be going far too fast for me now. I want summer to stay much longer. I am dreading the end of summer. I can't seem to get my feet under me and I feel like I need more time. I have struggled on and off with depression for years and I can recognize the symptoms. Major life changes always seem to be a time when I have to really watch myself. I am trying hard to get stuff done around the house but what I want to do is lie down and zone out all day. It is a struggle to get myself moving. When I am successful and I get some of the things on my list done I feel better. When I give in and zone out I feel worse. So you would think that would make it a no-brainer. All I have to do is get up and get moving to feel better. Right? Wrong. I wish it was that easy. Even though I am aware of the trap...even though I can see that solution....my brain tells me to just give up and take a nap. The desire to just hide in sleep is tempting beyond belief. What I am hiding from is another question all together. I could whine and whine and whine all day but none of those petty things are really the cause of my feeling so bad. It is irrational and stupid but seemingly uncontrollable. I have tried medicines in the past. I hate being on meds. I always end up going off of them once I am back on my feet so to speak. I'd prefer to just ride this bout of depression out and conquer it myself. If I will be able to is yet to be determined. I won't let myself fall too far off the cliff. Luckily, I have a great husband who gets that sometimes I can't control how I feel. He won't let me fall too far off the edge without sending me a lifeline. The love of my kids is also a huge help. They aren't really aware of how important they are to me or how much I love them. I refuse to let them down too much...though as a dear friend once said " your not doing your job as a mom unless your kids think your a little crazy". Well, I am sure then that I am doing a brillant job *smirk*

Overwhelmed

I haven't added anything here lately due to brain overload. Everyday is a struggle right now. This whole moving, husband ill. retiring, new job, money issues, need to unpack, three boys, need to diet, has me a bit crazier than usual. You know that feeling that you get when you need to focus on something important but it is so daunting to think about it that you just can't let yourself think about it? Wow..that was a bad sentence but I think you get what I mean. I am so freaked out that I can't put it down in black and white. It would make all my problems become too real. I am letting my husband deal with the financial strain of this whole thing....but I know its not good. I know it could be certain disaster just around the bend....I know that if the Department of Veterans Affairs doesn't hurry up and process my husbands claim that things will not be good. If they had done what they had said they would do and get the issue resolved when my husband retired then we wouldn't be in trouble. Nick took this job down here because he was certain that he had to get a job to help us. He is still not fully functional. Every time he gets a headache, everytime he has to go into work late or come home early, everytime he can't sleep, I panic. What if the headaches set back in on a daily basis again? What if he can't work? Our budget did not handle the move well and just recovering is going to take a long time. Not to mention that my pay from New Hampshire ends in August and I won't get paid at my new job until the last day of September. That is a whole month without my salary and we can't afford that right now. So, even though I said I couldn't think about it....it is all I think about. I said I couldn't put it in black and white...but I am at least writing about some of it. I am so scared. I am trying not to let the boys know how worried I am. I am trying to just keep pushing forward and I am praying that it will all work out OK. I feel sick to my stomach and I am perseverating mostly because I don't know how to make this all work out. I feel so helpless. I want to be a kid again. I want to not have to think about anything other than the day in front of me. I can't even imagine how amazing it would be to have one day free of worry. Just one day....

Crab Crazy

My sons have discovered that there are crabs to be caught in the creek in our back yard. They are small Blue Crabs that are apparently dumb enough to let themselves be caught by boys who have never crabbed in their life. Ian used a hook and my dental floss to catch the first one. Later when they really got going they were using my plastic kitchen bowls. At one point, I came down from upstairs to find a big red bucket full of smelly crabs and minnows in my kitchen. OK, I am a pretty supportive mom but I draw the line at odiferous sea creatures in the kitchen. I can't stand the smell of seafood and considering what a hot day it was the odor was not pleasant. Yuck. I can tell now that crabbing will not be my favorite pastime. After keeping them awhile I made the boys releaase the little critters. I guess I need to look in the rules around crabbing. I kept envisioning the game warden arriving and arresting me for crabbing without a license. Do you need a license? Is there a crab season? Looks like living in Poquoson is going to educational to say the least.

Swim Meet Heat

Take a lot of sun, add a bit of blazing heat, one pool, and a few hundred kids...what do you get? A very long swim meet. Phew...it is so hot here in Virginia. Living in New Hampshire the last few years has spoiled me. It is rarely over 90 and even if it does get hot during the day it cools off at night. This weekend we are dealing with the sun and heat and the drama of competition.

My boys are having a good meet. We have seen lots of time drops and they should be pleased with themselves. We have also had some not so great swims. Unfortunately, that is the reality of sports. Not every event will be your absolute best. The boys are still learning how to handle those disappointments. Tomorrow is another day and they will each have 4 or 5 more races. Hopefully they will have another good day. As for me,I will be trying to keep from melting. As miserable as it is to sit in the heat all day I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love watching my boys swim. I love seeing them do well, seeing them do poorly, seeing them do it all. I love just being there with them.

We all miss our friends in New Hampshire. We miss the families that have become like family to us. They are irreplaceable and of course we are trying to convince them to move to Virginia and join us. (Did I say it was hot...no its not! Every day is perfect and lovely...it never rains...never freezes...its amazing here *grin*) Until they all move to Virginia, it is nice to have new families to hang out with at swim meets. The new team is really small right now and the families are great. They have been very welcoming and have gone out of their way to make my kids feel at home. That's what is great about swimming....great families.

Happy Fourth

Happy Fourth to everyone. Summer is here and the fourth has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love fireworks. So we invited people over tonight for a barbeque. Our thinking was that the town park is right by our house and we would be able to see the fireworks from our house. Great plan. Eat some food, watch the fireworks...no traffic. Sounds great right? Wrong. The fireworks were last night. Sigh. It never occured to me that they would be last night instead. Oh well. We can still eat burgers and grilled fish. I was bummed about the fireworks. We did go to the end of our driveway and watch them but they weren't overwhelming. On a scale of 1-10, these were a 5 at best. It was kind of disappointing. Hopefully between now and tonight I can get the house looking sort of OK. But I doubt it. I've been awake for 3 hours now and have accomplished nothing but lazing around. I watched the last eposiode of the Starter Wife that I bought on iTunes. I cried, of course I cried. We have established that I cry easily haven't we? Well, I cried again. I was happy for Molly, sad for Molly, happy for her friends, sad for Lou. I get way too involved in these things. Though from a critical standpoint. The Starter Wife was great TV. I thought it was well done and well acted. I'm sorry it is over. Well, enough blabbing. I better go clean the house. Happy Holiday everyone and may your fireworks be better than mine. (if you live outside the USA, make some fireworks of your own *wink* and have a blast)