View from my window

OK, I haven't made as much progress with the house as I'd like. There are still boxes everywhere and stuff that needs to be put away. The problem is dominoes. In order to put away the little things I unboxed in the bedroom I need the vanity from the garage. In order to get the vanity I need to move a few dozen things. In order to move the few dozen things...you get the idea right? At least I have my bedroom almost done. I can now see floor and it is relatively nice in here. The nicest part is that I have my little desk set up in the window nook and my Mac is back in operation. I love my Mac. It is an aesthetic thing. I love the crisp white, the beautiful lines, the simplicity of it. Somehow my laptop does not have the same appeal. The second nicest part is that I am surrounded by windows. I can look out in 3 different directions. I can see the neighbors dock and the little creek behind the house. I can see the trees and flowers, the sunshine, the jets as they roar past on their way to the airbase. I never get tired of seeing the jets. There is a majesty to them that I find fascinating. I can hear one coming now. I would love to ride in a real jet one day. Though I doubt the Air Force gives out rides in F-22's to just anyone. You have to be the president or something don't you? Anyway, the view out my window is peaceful and makes me feel good. I need as little of that right now. Hot coffee, my Mac, the view, ahhhh....what a nice morning.

Finally Here!!!

I am so glad to say that I am back with my family. I am so relieved. Though I have to admit I don't really feel like I live here yet. The house is a wreck...boy clean and girl clean are two different things. I am slowly trying to dig through the mess, the boxes, the stuff and put each room to rights but I can't seem to muster up much enthusiasm. Knowing that this nice house is just another rental, just another of a long string of places where I am going to live, has really put a damper on my normal decorating buzz. I love houses and I love trying envision the spaces and create cool rooms. Oddly though, I feel like leaving everything not absolutely necessary in boxes and putting it all in storage. That is definitely not like me. I guess its just a hangover of sorts from having to move when I thought I'd never have to again. Possibly? Maybe it is the stress of knowing our financial situation is a shambles. It has been hard to move, have two places, two sets of house related bills, etc. We had hoped the Nicks VA compensation would have been settled by now and the extra expense would have been taken care of by that. It has not worked out that way. Now I am questioning the wisdom of this move. I know that Nick needed to work and that the kids are happy, but I am scared to death. Nick's health hasn't been that great either. He is still having migraines though blessedly they aren't as bad. I wonder what will become of us. I guess this is where faith comes in. I kept saying that if God wanted us to move then things would fall in place. They all fell in place. So I have to believe that everything else will work itself out as well. I just hate feeling scared. I wonder what it feels like to never be worried about money or health problems? Think its possible? Guess that leads me back to faith. I have to try to just keep moving forward each day and pray that I don't fall down into the pit of despair ( hmm, a tad bit of Princess Bride on my mind).

Schools Out For Ever: Almost Anyway

School is almost over. In three days I get to leave for Virginia. It is so hard to stay focused on finishing up the school year. Do you remember the feeling you used to get as a kid when the school year ended? Do you remember how excited you were about summer? Take that feeling and magnify it a hundred times....That is how I feel. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. It is Christmas eve and summer vacation and the day before my wedding all rolled together in my brain. I am so overwhelmed with just wanting to be with my boys and my husband. I can barely sleep. Time seems to be slowing down into long excruciating moments the way it does when your waiting for something good. Part of my brain knows that I am going to miss all the kids at my school. It knows that I am going to miss working at the best place I have ever worked. Yet it isn't even letting my experience that right now. In three weeks I'll probably be terribly depressed about it. Today I can't even begin.

Maybe it is best this way. I love my current job. It is a crazy little school for kids with huge problems. I love that. It is a human place. A place that hasn't forgotten that these kids need relationships with real teachers to help them. They don't need a large system to squeeze them through. Systems lose people. The system has failed these kids. The students with Aspergers and other related "labels" have been eaten up and spit out by the system. These kids needed understanding and protection. Instead the system met them with inflexibility and exposed them to the torture of being bullied. The emotionally distressed students are victims not only of the school systems but by the system of society at large. Very few people go out of there way to accommodate the charming youngster who tells you to fuck off and die when given a math assignment. How many teachers stop and ask themselves what is happening in that kids life and how can they help? Not many. Large systems serve the masses. Not terribly well, but if your lucky enough to be the kind of kid who can go along for the ride you can do OK. If your outside that norm, if your tolerance is low, if you need guidance then the system often fails. It isn't set up to deal with anomaly. I know, I know...there is special education. The larger the school system the larger the special education system. Have I mentioned that I think large systems don't work for everyone? So the point is, I love this little school. I don't think I could handle leaving, the best place I've ever worked without melting down, if it wasn't for my present situation. I miss my kids so much. I know now that when all is said and done my family has to come first. I'll find another school and other kids. Maybe I'll even find a boss who is as terrific...well maybe not. I'll have to deal with the sadness from that later. Right now, the joy of knowing that I will soon be reunited with my family overrides everything.