Summer is almost over

My summer ends brutally early. The 20th is my first day of prep for the new school year. I am ambiguous about the start of school this year. I have truly been spoiled by working in New Hampshire. I was making lots more money, I had a great boss, there was very little paperwork, and administrative bullshit was kept to a minimum. While I am always excited to take on new challenges and work with new kids; I can't seem to rid myself of the sadness at leaving my dream job in New Hampshire. I will have to be a big girl and get over it I suppose.

I guess the thing that really ticks me off is knowing how I will be treated. I've worked at this school before and they aren't bad people. I know they are trying their best to educate kids. The thing is they have a tendency to treat the teachers without any professional respect. I hate clocking in and clocking out like a factory worker. I hate that they insist on forms and 3 days notice before you can leave early for a doctors appointment or something at your kids school. I hate that they penny pinch the hours like we were irresponsible. They don't compensate you for the extra hours worked...they don't acknowledge the tons of extra time put in but heaven help you if you leave 10 minutes early. I so dislike that approach. They expect us to be professional and then treat us like a bunch of children. So if your late one morning and you spill coffee on your pants and your stuck at a traffic light and your 10 minutes late you have to sulk into the building like a teenager trying not to get caught. Sheesh....intolerable. Any other profession where people are at a masters level or beyond would never treat their employees like that. If we are salaried employees why are they treating us like hourly employees. I know, its stupid but it pisses me off. Teachers just aren't treated with much respect.

The truth

My last post was perhaps a little too truthful. It wasn't long after I posted that my sister called and she was worried. Of course I should have anticipated that some people who know me might be disturbed by explaining my feelings of depression. In fact on some level I did. I censured some of what I was feeling, hopefully without diluting the sentiment. After my sister called and I assured her I was OK; I began thinking about this blog and its purpose. I suppose I wanted to express myself and air out the things that were running around my brain. I wanted someone...some anonymous someone to read these thoughts and perhaps connect to them in some small way. The catch is that I also wanted some of the people I care about to read these thoughts as well. Which of course leads to my dilemna. It is easier to really put into words what is in my head if noone is going to read those words. It is terribly difficult to be 100% honest knowing that others are going to read and then form judgements about your thoughts. As I slowly woke this morning I was mulling over my feelings on this honesty issue. A very wise friend told me once that the highest level of friendship meant that you could be more honest with them than it was possible to be with anyone else. Then as I checked my homepage the quote of the day jumped out at me.

The stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult it is.
Willa Cather (1873-1947)

Isn't that odd that just as I was thinking of these things this quote appeared? It is difficult to be really brutally honest. It is difficult to know that others may think ill of you because of your thoughts or ideas. It is difficult to be judged. Of course not many people are reading my little blog but just the same. So, if my rantings have bothered any I love I am sorry for that. I am going to continue to be as honest as I can. After all I guess if I wanted it really private I wouldn't put it on a blog. It is somehow much more cathartic knowing that someone will read what I wrote. Feel free to comment time to time and let me know if I am crazier than I thought *grin*.

On The Edge

Back in May and early June time was crawling forward as I waited to be reunited with my family. Time seems to be going far too fast for me now. I want summer to stay much longer. I am dreading the end of summer. I can't seem to get my feet under me and I feel like I need more time. I have struggled on and off with depression for years and I can recognize the symptoms. Major life changes always seem to be a time when I have to really watch myself. I am trying hard to get stuff done around the house but what I want to do is lie down and zone out all day. It is a struggle to get myself moving. When I am successful and I get some of the things on my list done I feel better. When I give in and zone out I feel worse. So you would think that would make it a no-brainer. All I have to do is get up and get moving to feel better. Right? Wrong. I wish it was that easy. Even though I am aware of the trap...even though I can see that solution....my brain tells me to just give up and take a nap. The desire to just hide in sleep is tempting beyond belief. What I am hiding from is another question all together. I could whine and whine and whine all day but none of those petty things are really the cause of my feeling so bad. It is irrational and stupid but seemingly uncontrollable. I have tried medicines in the past. I hate being on meds. I always end up going off of them once I am back on my feet so to speak. I'd prefer to just ride this bout of depression out and conquer it myself. If I will be able to is yet to be determined. I won't let myself fall too far off the cliff. Luckily, I have a great husband who gets that sometimes I can't control how I feel. He won't let me fall too far off the edge without sending me a lifeline. The love of my kids is also a huge help. They aren't really aware of how important they are to me or how much I love them. I refuse to let them down too much...though as a dear friend once said " your not doing your job as a mom unless your kids think your a little crazy". Well, I am sure then that I am doing a brillant job *smirk*

Overwhelmed

I haven't added anything here lately due to brain overload. Everyday is a struggle right now. This whole moving, husband ill. retiring, new job, money issues, need to unpack, three boys, need to diet, has me a bit crazier than usual. You know that feeling that you get when you need to focus on something important but it is so daunting to think about it that you just can't let yourself think about it? Wow..that was a bad sentence but I think you get what I mean. I am so freaked out that I can't put it down in black and white. It would make all my problems become too real. I am letting my husband deal with the financial strain of this whole thing....but I know its not good. I know it could be certain disaster just around the bend....I know that if the Department of Veterans Affairs doesn't hurry up and process my husbands claim that things will not be good. If they had done what they had said they would do and get the issue resolved when my husband retired then we wouldn't be in trouble. Nick took this job down here because he was certain that he had to get a job to help us. He is still not fully functional. Every time he gets a headache, everytime he has to go into work late or come home early, everytime he can't sleep, I panic. What if the headaches set back in on a daily basis again? What if he can't work? Our budget did not handle the move well and just recovering is going to take a long time. Not to mention that my pay from New Hampshire ends in August and I won't get paid at my new job until the last day of September. That is a whole month without my salary and we can't afford that right now. So, even though I said I couldn't think about it....it is all I think about. I said I couldn't put it in black and white...but I am at least writing about some of it. I am so scared. I am trying not to let the boys know how worried I am. I am trying to just keep pushing forward and I am praying that it will all work out OK. I feel sick to my stomach and I am perseverating mostly because I don't know how to make this all work out. I feel so helpless. I want to be a kid again. I want to not have to think about anything other than the day in front of me. I can't even imagine how amazing it would be to have one day free of worry. Just one day....

Crab Crazy

My sons have discovered that there are crabs to be caught in the creek in our back yard. They are small Blue Crabs that are apparently dumb enough to let themselves be caught by boys who have never crabbed in their life. Ian used a hook and my dental floss to catch the first one. Later when they really got going they were using my plastic kitchen bowls. At one point, I came down from upstairs to find a big red bucket full of smelly crabs and minnows in my kitchen. OK, I am a pretty supportive mom but I draw the line at odiferous sea creatures in the kitchen. I can't stand the smell of seafood and considering what a hot day it was the odor was not pleasant. Yuck. I can tell now that crabbing will not be my favorite pastime. After keeping them awhile I made the boys releaase the little critters. I guess I need to look in the rules around crabbing. I kept envisioning the game warden arriving and arresting me for crabbing without a license. Do you need a license? Is there a crab season? Looks like living in Poquoson is going to educational to say the least.

Swim Meet Heat

Take a lot of sun, add a bit of blazing heat, one pool, and a few hundred kids...what do you get? A very long swim meet. Phew...it is so hot here in Virginia. Living in New Hampshire the last few years has spoiled me. It is rarely over 90 and even if it does get hot during the day it cools off at night. This weekend we are dealing with the sun and heat and the drama of competition.

My boys are having a good meet. We have seen lots of time drops and they should be pleased with themselves. We have also had some not so great swims. Unfortunately, that is the reality of sports. Not every event will be your absolute best. The boys are still learning how to handle those disappointments. Tomorrow is another day and they will each have 4 or 5 more races. Hopefully they will have another good day. As for me,I will be trying to keep from melting. As miserable as it is to sit in the heat all day I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love watching my boys swim. I love seeing them do well, seeing them do poorly, seeing them do it all. I love just being there with them.

We all miss our friends in New Hampshire. We miss the families that have become like family to us. They are irreplaceable and of course we are trying to convince them to move to Virginia and join us. (Did I say it was hot...no its not! Every day is perfect and lovely...it never rains...never freezes...its amazing here *grin*) Until they all move to Virginia, it is nice to have new families to hang out with at swim meets. The new team is really small right now and the families are great. They have been very welcoming and have gone out of their way to make my kids feel at home. That's what is great about swimming....great families.

Happy Fourth

Happy Fourth to everyone. Summer is here and the fourth has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love fireworks. So we invited people over tonight for a barbeque. Our thinking was that the town park is right by our house and we would be able to see the fireworks from our house. Great plan. Eat some food, watch the fireworks...no traffic. Sounds great right? Wrong. The fireworks were last night. Sigh. It never occured to me that they would be last night instead. Oh well. We can still eat burgers and grilled fish. I was bummed about the fireworks. We did go to the end of our driveway and watch them but they weren't overwhelming. On a scale of 1-10, these were a 5 at best. It was kind of disappointing. Hopefully between now and tonight I can get the house looking sort of OK. But I doubt it. I've been awake for 3 hours now and have accomplished nothing but lazing around. I watched the last eposiode of the Starter Wife that I bought on iTunes. I cried, of course I cried. We have established that I cry easily haven't we? Well, I cried again. I was happy for Molly, sad for Molly, happy for her friends, sad for Lou. I get way too involved in these things. Though from a critical standpoint. The Starter Wife was great TV. I thought it was well done and well acted. I'm sorry it is over. Well, enough blabbing. I better go clean the house. Happy Holiday everyone and may your fireworks be better than mine. (if you live outside the USA, make some fireworks of your own *wink* and have a blast)

Sunday...Moody Sunday

The house is so quiet. Everyone should be up and about. Everyone should be doing some chores. We should have gone to church. But.....Nah.....not today. I feel surprisingly like doing nothing. All but myself and my youngest are still snoozing. He is off playing on the Wii so he isn't bothering me. Actually I had to make him cinnamon toast to make him go away. But now that his belly is full he is fine and I am alone with my thoughts. It is sunny and hot outside. I can hear the roar of lawn mowers. Ours certainly needs to be mowed but its too hot for that, at least for us. I should be cleaning and unpacking and getting this place into shape. But...Nah...not today. Maybe it is just my depression talking, maybe it is just a lazy Sunday, maybe it is just exhaustion. There are so many things we "should" be doing. So many things that "ought" to get done. So many thoughts I don't want to be thinking about today. Yesterday my oldest turned 14. How is that possible? It doesn't seem possible. Time slips away in such a strange way. Days seem to take forever and years fly by. So maybe just for today I slow down and ignore all the shoulds and oughts and just let myself be grumpy.

View from my window

OK, I haven't made as much progress with the house as I'd like. There are still boxes everywhere and stuff that needs to be put away. The problem is dominoes. In order to put away the little things I unboxed in the bedroom I need the vanity from the garage. In order to get the vanity I need to move a few dozen things. In order to move the few dozen things...you get the idea right? At least I have my bedroom almost done. I can now see floor and it is relatively nice in here. The nicest part is that I have my little desk set up in the window nook and my Mac is back in operation. I love my Mac. It is an aesthetic thing. I love the crisp white, the beautiful lines, the simplicity of it. Somehow my laptop does not have the same appeal. The second nicest part is that I am surrounded by windows. I can look out in 3 different directions. I can see the neighbors dock and the little creek behind the house. I can see the trees and flowers, the sunshine, the jets as they roar past on their way to the airbase. I never get tired of seeing the jets. There is a majesty to them that I find fascinating. I can hear one coming now. I would love to ride in a real jet one day. Though I doubt the Air Force gives out rides in F-22's to just anyone. You have to be the president or something don't you? Anyway, the view out my window is peaceful and makes me feel good. I need as little of that right now. Hot coffee, my Mac, the view, ahhhh....what a nice morning.

Weight: It's a heavy topic

Even thinking about weight and weight issues makes me feel heavily laden. Every magazine I pick up has a weight loss solution somewhere inside. It seems that everywhere I look people are discussing or reading or listening to information on weight loss. TV has shows that center around people's struggles to lose weight. Last night I saw a show that centers around doctors that specialize in helping obese people. It is everywhere. I am so sick of it. I hate feeling like my self worth and everyone else's for that matter is measured in pounds. Sure I want to be thinner, that's not the point. It is the obsession with it that is oppressive. There are so many important things to worry about in this world. Far too much energy is spent on the weight issue. I am trying hard to eat less, exercise more, etc, etc, ad nauseum...but its hard to remain sensible about it when the underlying message that I am being barraged with is that I won't be OK, I won't be acceptable until my BMI is in a certain range. I won't be valuable until my weight is under a certain number or until I fit into clothes that are a particular size. It is a particularly unpleasant feeling thinking that before people know you they are judging your worth by your pant size.

Unburying: Boxes everywhere

I'm trying to reclaim some sanity. The furniture and boxes arrived in Virginia the last week of April. The movers put them down inside and there they sat until I arrived last week. I spent last week getting the kitchen functioning and catching up on laundry. I set up the boys bathroom so they no longer have to come into our room to use mine. I could work on getting the rest of the downstairs done but I feel an urgent need to create a peaceful space in my bedroom. So I spent yesterday and I do mean ALL of yesterday unpacking boxes in my room. I managed to get the floor uncovered enough that I could vacuum. The room has seven windows and is bright and cheery but it doesn't have enough wall space for dressers. I can't figure out what to do with all the things that I used to have in dressers. Now that the boxes are I have to find homes for everything. I hope I can get my computer set up today as well. I think I'll feel much calmer once I have my personal space organized. The more clutter that surrounds me the more cluttered I feel inside.

Job Interview

Yesterday I had a job interview. I wasn't too concerned since I taught for them for three years before we moved to New Hampshire. I think it went OK but maybe not. I suppose I put all my eggs in one basket by only applying there and now I am panicking. What if they don't want me back. What if somehow between working there before and now they decided that I'm not good enough to work for them? What if the sky fell down and squashed what little self esteem I actually possess. Sheesh....I am a mess. I worry constantly and now I'll be stressed on this until they decide if they want to hire me or not. What do you think the odds are that they will make a decision today before the weekend? Yeah, your right. They are probably not going to make the decision that fast but it would be nice. If it is a positive result I can relax this weekend. If it is a negative response I can cry all weekend....I might just do that anyway. I seem to be on overload. On the positive side ( I know, with me that is an oxymoron) it is a lovely day here and I am sitting outside on the little patio enjoying my coffee. I have three great kids. I have to remind myself of all of those things.

Finally Here!!!

I am so glad to say that I am back with my family. I am so relieved. Though I have to admit I don't really feel like I live here yet. The house is a wreck...boy clean and girl clean are two different things. I am slowly trying to dig through the mess, the boxes, the stuff and put each room to rights but I can't seem to muster up much enthusiasm. Knowing that this nice house is just another rental, just another of a long string of places where I am going to live, has really put a damper on my normal decorating buzz. I love houses and I love trying envision the spaces and create cool rooms. Oddly though, I feel like leaving everything not absolutely necessary in boxes and putting it all in storage. That is definitely not like me. I guess its just a hangover of sorts from having to move when I thought I'd never have to again. Possibly? Maybe it is the stress of knowing our financial situation is a shambles. It has been hard to move, have two places, two sets of house related bills, etc. We had hoped the Nicks VA compensation would have been settled by now and the extra expense would have been taken care of by that. It has not worked out that way. Now I am questioning the wisdom of this move. I know that Nick needed to work and that the kids are happy, but I am scared to death. Nick's health hasn't been that great either. He is still having migraines though blessedly they aren't as bad. I wonder what will become of us. I guess this is where faith comes in. I kept saying that if God wanted us to move then things would fall in place. They all fell in place. So I have to believe that everything else will work itself out as well. I just hate feeling scared. I wonder what it feels like to never be worried about money or health problems? Think its possible? Guess that leads me back to faith. I have to try to just keep moving forward each day and pray that I don't fall down into the pit of despair ( hmm, a tad bit of Princess Bride on my mind).

Schools Out For Ever: Almost Anyway

School is almost over. In three days I get to leave for Virginia. It is so hard to stay focused on finishing up the school year. Do you remember the feeling you used to get as a kid when the school year ended? Do you remember how excited you were about summer? Take that feeling and magnify it a hundred times....That is how I feel. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. It is Christmas eve and summer vacation and the day before my wedding all rolled together in my brain. I am so overwhelmed with just wanting to be with my boys and my husband. I can barely sleep. Time seems to be slowing down into long excruciating moments the way it does when your waiting for something good. Part of my brain knows that I am going to miss all the kids at my school. It knows that I am going to miss working at the best place I have ever worked. Yet it isn't even letting my experience that right now. In three weeks I'll probably be terribly depressed about it. Today I can't even begin.

Maybe it is best this way. I love my current job. It is a crazy little school for kids with huge problems. I love that. It is a human place. A place that hasn't forgotten that these kids need relationships with real teachers to help them. They don't need a large system to squeeze them through. Systems lose people. The system has failed these kids. The students with Aspergers and other related "labels" have been eaten up and spit out by the system. These kids needed understanding and protection. Instead the system met them with inflexibility and exposed them to the torture of being bullied. The emotionally distressed students are victims not only of the school systems but by the system of society at large. Very few people go out of there way to accommodate the charming youngster who tells you to fuck off and die when given a math assignment. How many teachers stop and ask themselves what is happening in that kids life and how can they help? Not many. Large systems serve the masses. Not terribly well, but if your lucky enough to be the kind of kid who can go along for the ride you can do OK. If your outside that norm, if your tolerance is low, if you need guidance then the system often fails. It isn't set up to deal with anomaly. I know, I know...there is special education. The larger the school system the larger the special education system. Have I mentioned that I think large systems don't work for everyone? So the point is, I love this little school. I don't think I could handle leaving, the best place I've ever worked without melting down, if it wasn't for my present situation. I miss my kids so much. I know now that when all is said and done my family has to come first. I'll find another school and other kids. Maybe I'll even find a boss who is as terrific...well maybe not. I'll have to deal with the sadness from that later. Right now, the joy of knowing that I will soon be reunited with my family overrides everything.

How to Be a Good Teacher

In order to be a good teacher, do you have to be the teacher who teaches the most content? Is good teaching the ability to enable your students to get good standardized test scores? Is good teaching the ability to have a neat and orderly classroom? Obviously these things all are important aspects of teaching. If you can accomplish these things you are an efficient, productive teacher but are you a good teacher?

Thinking back on school, which teacher stands out? Was your favorite teacher really the one who was most efficient? I doubt it. The teacher most important to me is not the teacher who kept the best records or even the one who helped me get the best grades. My favorite teacher was the one who left a cup of tea on my desk when he knew I was upset about something serious. He was an amazing teacher. Not only did he illuminate Shakespeare and make literature come to life but he cared about his students. He wasn't afraid to take a moment to let you know that he was pleased with something you wrote or an answer you gave. Instinctively, you knew you didn't want to let him down. He told jokes and made himself available at lunch to answer questions or calm a panicked student who was afraid her essay stunk. His ability to be a real person, in his students eyes, went beyond his teaching ability. His ability to remember how hard it is to be in high school made him the teacher that students adored. His classes were hard. His expectations were high. He wasn't known for giving out easy grades. He challenged you to think. He gave so much of himself in class that it was impossible to not be interested in what he was saying. It a sadder world for me knowing that Mr. Hallenbeck died far too young. His vibrancy and joy of life made a diference in so many lives. I know he taught me what it meant to be a good teacher.

It has almost been forgotten. It isn't much of a secret yet it is seldom encouraged. Working with the students who have had the most trouble in school it has become apparent to me what is a huge problem in our schools. There are far too many teachers who for one reason or another only see the students behaviors not the cause of their behaviors. I once had a student who had been suspended for telling the teacher "I'm not doing this stupid homework". I guess the teacher forgot he had learning difficulties and was identified as having emotional problems. Why shouldn't he have had a bad atitude about homework? Certainly suspending him didn't help improve his attitude about school work. I know this is radical but maybe she should have checked to make sure the work wasn't too hard for him or if he needed extra help in order to understand the work. One time a young man with Asperger's Syndrome was placed in my class after his teacher put up a stink about having him in her room. She had the nerve to tell me that he was rude and stared at her when she told him to do something. She went on to complain that he also always said no when he was asked to stop doing something so a new activity could begin. She was so outraged by his behavior I was simply stunned. Let's see, he had a 20 second processing delay that was the cause of his "staring". It literally took him 20 seconds to understand what you asked of him and if you spoke to him before those 20 seconds were up you only reset the clock. He also had extreme trouble transitioning and he always said no when it was time to transition. If you gave him cues that a transition was coming up soon his anxiety was eased. That enabled him to transition with less fuss. All the behaviors that she attributed to him doing to annoy her were just a part of who he was. He needed accomodation and instruction; not to be labeled as a rude kid. It was no secret to me that his problems in her classroom were an indication of her lack of caring and lack of understanding. That teacher obviously didn't know the secret to being a good teacher.

Here it is...the big secret. It's earth shattering so hold on to your seats. Don't teach unless you really like kids. I'm always surprised when I meet a teacher who is completely miserable doing their job and yet they keep teaching. Care about them and let them know you do. Always look for the reasons behind a students behavior. Talk to your students. You'll be surprised at how much you can learn about them. Last but not least, remember you can't help every student but it is your responsibility to try to help even if they don't want it. If your not the person, a kid in trouble, is connecting with, find someone else who can help that student. Love what you do, even on the hard days. It all really boils down to caring. When you care the kids know it. They respond to that. Students will only remember a portion of what teachers teach them but they never forget the lesson of kindness and genuine caring.

Empathy Overload

Sometimes I find it very hard to be human. I seem to be over-emotional about so many things. OK, to be fair I have a lot to be emotional about at this point in my life but I am over the top. I just found myself in tears while watching an old Whoopi Goldberg movie. Sister Act 2 is not supposed to make people cry. Yet the scene where the young people discovered their voice as a choir had me weeping. I am such a sap. I can barely watch the news. All the horror and tragedy is so depressing. I know I am a mystery to my husband who just doesn't get how he married someone who can cry during a TV commercial. I don't get it myself.

The seperation from my family that is imposed upon me right now is partially of my own choosing. I couldn't envision myself leaving the students I teach in the middle of the year when I knew that finding a replacement would be very hard. I knew that my students who had come to trust me would feel abandoned and that I would just be another adult in their eyes who gave lip service to caring about them. There was a financial consideration as well, but the overriding concern that led me to have my family go to Virginia and for me to stay in New Hampshire was my students. I miss my own family so much. It is killing me to be away from them. I thought somehow that it would be easier. I was wrong. I don't regret my decision. I know that I chose the right thing yet that doesn't make it easier.

I feel my students dismay at my leaving, I feel my son's sadness at my not being there, I get that my husband is completely stressed. I'm not sure I can have a clear feeling of what I am feeling when I am so bombarded by everyone else's emotions. For the last two days I have been feeling so low...so down...a regular pity party. I am trying to keep it together and then a dumb movie on TV has me in tears. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel everything eveyone else is feeling quite so strongly.

Swim, Swim, Swim

When my oldest son was 5 I signed him up for swim lessons. Ian really enjoyed swimming but I was disappointed with his progress in class. They had a limited amount of room and with all the kids there was a lot of time spent just waiting for his turn. One of the other moms suggested I sign him up for the summer swim team at my community pool. I took her advice and thus began our swim team journey. That summer I happily took my child to the pool every morning and watched in amazement as he grew from a "just get to the other side" kind of swimmer into a kid who knew how to swim. This summer will be Ian's 9th year of swimming competitively. We went from summer teams to year-round swimming long ago. Now all three boys swim. I have to say I love this sport. My boys are learning such great life lessons from this sport. It takes hard work and determination, discipline, time management, commitment and perseverence to succeed. As a family we spend a huge amount of time at the pool. My sons have learned to relate to others in ways they might not in other sports. I've always felt that through this sport they have gained lots of moms and dads. We have met such great families and created so many nice friendships. They are learning to deal with success and failure. Its not easy to do well then turn around and console a friend who didn't do so well. Conversely its been tough learning how to lose gracefully. My sons aren't perfect angels, nor are they perfect swimmers but I know that they have profited from the experience.

The Weight Loss Journey

Where to start. I clearly remember the first time I was told I needed to lose weight. I was in sixth grade. I cried for what seemed like forever. Since that fateful day I have gained and lost more weight than I can possibly calculate. The ironic thing was that from sixth grade until after college I was never significantly overweight. It wasn't until I was married and my thyroid stopped working that I became overweight. I sure would have liked to have enjoyed the 11 years that I only imagined that I was overweight. The last 17 years have been filled with dieting, not dieting...gaining and losing....over and over. I am worn out from worrying about it. At some point I just gave up thinking I could ever become as "overweight" as I was before my thyroid stopped working. Though to be honest my thyroid is only one factor in my weight battle. I know that quitting smoking, having three kids, suffering from occasional bouts of depression, and dealing with my husbands deployments, and regular old stress contributes to the problem. Oh yeah, I also eat too much. Once again, I am trying to eat more sensibly and exercise more. I just feel defeated before I even begin. Not an auspicious way to start a diet. I am sick to death of dieting but I haven't much choice. I am once again at what I consider to be maximum density. It's time to do something. Wish me luck, I need all the help I can get.

The Teaching Journey

One dimension to my life is teaching. Don't get me wrong; I love what I do but it is crazy. I've spent most of my teaching career working with students who fall somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. For the last two years I have been working at an alternate school for students who have either emotional handicaps or have a handicap that relates to Autism. These students have been sent to us because they have had major problems in public school. Not all of their problems are of their own making. On a typical day I help students who don't fully understand the social variables of the world around them. It is interesting and challenging. It is also a little nuts. I get called nasty names, get told exactly what size I am, get threatened with violence, and am frequently told just what a horrible job I am doing. Some people tell me thats nuts. Have I mentioned that I love my job. I love helping students who have never had positive experiences with school learn that not all adults choose to not understand. I love knowing that at the end of the day I've accomplished something good even if I'll never see the results. For all the names I get called, for all the threats I deal with, for all the insults and "reality information" that gets thrown at me; in the end they get that I am trying to help them. They might not like admitting this but they know its true. It is a good feeling even if some days I go home feeling rather battered and frustrated. Despite the students level of difficulty, what is more difficult is knowing that many of my students go home to very dysfunctional situations. I can't fix that, I can only give them 6 good hours a day.

Off on a new adventure!

My world has been spinning like crazy lately. The last 5 months have brought radical changes to my life. My husband was retired from the Navy for medical reasons in January. He immediately got a job working for the Navy. My world began to sway...His new job is located back in Virginia. Too bad we lived in New Hampshire. OK, so we make plans to move. Due to finances and the students I teach we decide to move in stages. Dear Husband took our oldest son down to Virginia in March. He rented a nice house and began work. In April, my younger two boys joined him. I stayed to finish up the school year and rent out our house. This isn't how its supposed to work. My husband always was the one who went away and I stayed with the boys. This complete role reversal has me absolutely nuts. I always assumed that when Nick went away he was unhappy but not terribly burdened by it. I'm sure he knew that staying behind with the boys was hard. I am positive neither one of us was prepared for the reality of what the other was going through. It has been quite an eye opener. I feel so cut off and lonely. Nick and the boys are going through the motions of life. I have none of my normal routines to comfort me. Grown women are supposed to fantasize about time away from the kids and family...its supposed to be fun. Let me tell you; it sucks. I have three weeks left of this ordeal. I always look forward to summer vacation but this year is completely different. All I can say is thank god for the internet. I can video chat with the boys and download sad songs onto my ipod. I am a tad crazier than usual...and I am hoping that beginning this new adventure in blogging may keep me from falling off the edge. Welcome to my crazy journey through life.