View from my window

OK, I haven't made as much progress with the house as I'd like. There are still boxes everywhere and stuff that needs to be put away. The problem is dominoes. In order to put away the little things I unboxed in the bedroom I need the vanity from the garage. In order to get the vanity I need to move a few dozen things. In order to move the few dozen things...you get the idea right? At least I have my bedroom almost done. I can now see floor and it is relatively nice in here. The nicest part is that I have my little desk set up in the window nook and my Mac is back in operation. I love my Mac. It is an aesthetic thing. I love the crisp white, the beautiful lines, the simplicity of it. Somehow my laptop does not have the same appeal. The second nicest part is that I am surrounded by windows. I can look out in 3 different directions. I can see the neighbors dock and the little creek behind the house. I can see the trees and flowers, the sunshine, the jets as they roar past on their way to the airbase. I never get tired of seeing the jets. There is a majesty to them that I find fascinating. I can hear one coming now. I would love to ride in a real jet one day. Though I doubt the Air Force gives out rides in F-22's to just anyone. You have to be the president or something don't you? Anyway, the view out my window is peaceful and makes me feel good. I need as little of that right now. Hot coffee, my Mac, the view, ahhhh....what a nice morning.

Weight: It's a heavy topic

Even thinking about weight and weight issues makes me feel heavily laden. Every magazine I pick up has a weight loss solution somewhere inside. It seems that everywhere I look people are discussing or reading or listening to information on weight loss. TV has shows that center around people's struggles to lose weight. Last night I saw a show that centers around doctors that specialize in helping obese people. It is everywhere. I am so sick of it. I hate feeling like my self worth and everyone else's for that matter is measured in pounds. Sure I want to be thinner, that's not the point. It is the obsession with it that is oppressive. There are so many important things to worry about in this world. Far too much energy is spent on the weight issue. I am trying hard to eat less, exercise more, etc, etc, ad nauseum...but its hard to remain sensible about it when the underlying message that I am being barraged with is that I won't be OK, I won't be acceptable until my BMI is in a certain range. I won't be valuable until my weight is under a certain number or until I fit into clothes that are a particular size. It is a particularly unpleasant feeling thinking that before people know you they are judging your worth by your pant size.

Unburying: Boxes everywhere

I'm trying to reclaim some sanity. The furniture and boxes arrived in Virginia the last week of April. The movers put them down inside and there they sat until I arrived last week. I spent last week getting the kitchen functioning and catching up on laundry. I set up the boys bathroom so they no longer have to come into our room to use mine. I could work on getting the rest of the downstairs done but I feel an urgent need to create a peaceful space in my bedroom. So I spent yesterday and I do mean ALL of yesterday unpacking boxes in my room. I managed to get the floor uncovered enough that I could vacuum. The room has seven windows and is bright and cheery but it doesn't have enough wall space for dressers. I can't figure out what to do with all the things that I used to have in dressers. Now that the boxes are I have to find homes for everything. I hope I can get my computer set up today as well. I think I'll feel much calmer once I have my personal space organized. The more clutter that surrounds me the more cluttered I feel inside.

Job Interview

Yesterday I had a job interview. I wasn't too concerned since I taught for them for three years before we moved to New Hampshire. I think it went OK but maybe not. I suppose I put all my eggs in one basket by only applying there and now I am panicking. What if they don't want me back. What if somehow between working there before and now they decided that I'm not good enough to work for them? What if the sky fell down and squashed what little self esteem I actually possess. Sheesh....I am a mess. I worry constantly and now I'll be stressed on this until they decide if they want to hire me or not. What do you think the odds are that they will make a decision today before the weekend? Yeah, your right. They are probably not going to make the decision that fast but it would be nice. If it is a positive result I can relax this weekend. If it is a negative response I can cry all weekend....I might just do that anyway. I seem to be on overload. On the positive side ( I know, with me that is an oxymoron) it is a lovely day here and I am sitting outside on the little patio enjoying my coffee. I have three great kids. I have to remind myself of all of those things.

Finally Here!!!

I am so glad to say that I am back with my family. I am so relieved. Though I have to admit I don't really feel like I live here yet. The house is a wreck...boy clean and girl clean are two different things. I am slowly trying to dig through the mess, the boxes, the stuff and put each room to rights but I can't seem to muster up much enthusiasm. Knowing that this nice house is just another rental, just another of a long string of places where I am going to live, has really put a damper on my normal decorating buzz. I love houses and I love trying envision the spaces and create cool rooms. Oddly though, I feel like leaving everything not absolutely necessary in boxes and putting it all in storage. That is definitely not like me. I guess its just a hangover of sorts from having to move when I thought I'd never have to again. Possibly? Maybe it is the stress of knowing our financial situation is a shambles. It has been hard to move, have two places, two sets of house related bills, etc. We had hoped the Nicks VA compensation would have been settled by now and the extra expense would have been taken care of by that. It has not worked out that way. Now I am questioning the wisdom of this move. I know that Nick needed to work and that the kids are happy, but I am scared to death. Nick's health hasn't been that great either. He is still having migraines though blessedly they aren't as bad. I wonder what will become of us. I guess this is where faith comes in. I kept saying that if God wanted us to move then things would fall in place. They all fell in place. So I have to believe that everything else will work itself out as well. I just hate feeling scared. I wonder what it feels like to never be worried about money or health problems? Think its possible? Guess that leads me back to faith. I have to try to just keep moving forward each day and pray that I don't fall down into the pit of despair ( hmm, a tad bit of Princess Bride on my mind).

Schools Out For Ever: Almost Anyway

School is almost over. In three days I get to leave for Virginia. It is so hard to stay focused on finishing up the school year. Do you remember the feeling you used to get as a kid when the school year ended? Do you remember how excited you were about summer? Take that feeling and magnify it a hundred times....That is how I feel. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. It is Christmas eve and summer vacation and the day before my wedding all rolled together in my brain. I am so overwhelmed with just wanting to be with my boys and my husband. I can barely sleep. Time seems to be slowing down into long excruciating moments the way it does when your waiting for something good. Part of my brain knows that I am going to miss all the kids at my school. It knows that I am going to miss working at the best place I have ever worked. Yet it isn't even letting my experience that right now. In three weeks I'll probably be terribly depressed about it. Today I can't even begin.

Maybe it is best this way. I love my current job. It is a crazy little school for kids with huge problems. I love that. It is a human place. A place that hasn't forgotten that these kids need relationships with real teachers to help them. They don't need a large system to squeeze them through. Systems lose people. The system has failed these kids. The students with Aspergers and other related "labels" have been eaten up and spit out by the system. These kids needed understanding and protection. Instead the system met them with inflexibility and exposed them to the torture of being bullied. The emotionally distressed students are victims not only of the school systems but by the system of society at large. Very few people go out of there way to accommodate the charming youngster who tells you to fuck off and die when given a math assignment. How many teachers stop and ask themselves what is happening in that kids life and how can they help? Not many. Large systems serve the masses. Not terribly well, but if your lucky enough to be the kind of kid who can go along for the ride you can do OK. If your outside that norm, if your tolerance is low, if you need guidance then the system often fails. It isn't set up to deal with anomaly. I know, I know...there is special education. The larger the school system the larger the special education system. Have I mentioned that I think large systems don't work for everyone? So the point is, I love this little school. I don't think I could handle leaving, the best place I've ever worked without melting down, if it wasn't for my present situation. I miss my kids so much. I know now that when all is said and done my family has to come first. I'll find another school and other kids. Maybe I'll even find a boss who is as terrific...well maybe not. I'll have to deal with the sadness from that later. Right now, the joy of knowing that I will soon be reunited with my family overrides everything.

How to Be a Good Teacher

In order to be a good teacher, do you have to be the teacher who teaches the most content? Is good teaching the ability to enable your students to get good standardized test scores? Is good teaching the ability to have a neat and orderly classroom? Obviously these things all are important aspects of teaching. If you can accomplish these things you are an efficient, productive teacher but are you a good teacher?

Thinking back on school, which teacher stands out? Was your favorite teacher really the one who was most efficient? I doubt it. The teacher most important to me is not the teacher who kept the best records or even the one who helped me get the best grades. My favorite teacher was the one who left a cup of tea on my desk when he knew I was upset about something serious. He was an amazing teacher. Not only did he illuminate Shakespeare and make literature come to life but he cared about his students. He wasn't afraid to take a moment to let you know that he was pleased with something you wrote or an answer you gave. Instinctively, you knew you didn't want to let him down. He told jokes and made himself available at lunch to answer questions or calm a panicked student who was afraid her essay stunk. His ability to be a real person, in his students eyes, went beyond his teaching ability. His ability to remember how hard it is to be in high school made him the teacher that students adored. His classes were hard. His expectations were high. He wasn't known for giving out easy grades. He challenged you to think. He gave so much of himself in class that it was impossible to not be interested in what he was saying. It a sadder world for me knowing that Mr. Hallenbeck died far too young. His vibrancy and joy of life made a diference in so many lives. I know he taught me what it meant to be a good teacher.

It has almost been forgotten. It isn't much of a secret yet it is seldom encouraged. Working with the students who have had the most trouble in school it has become apparent to me what is a huge problem in our schools. There are far too many teachers who for one reason or another only see the students behaviors not the cause of their behaviors. I once had a student who had been suspended for telling the teacher "I'm not doing this stupid homework". I guess the teacher forgot he had learning difficulties and was identified as having emotional problems. Why shouldn't he have had a bad atitude about homework? Certainly suspending him didn't help improve his attitude about school work. I know this is radical but maybe she should have checked to make sure the work wasn't too hard for him or if he needed extra help in order to understand the work. One time a young man with Asperger's Syndrome was placed in my class after his teacher put up a stink about having him in her room. She had the nerve to tell me that he was rude and stared at her when she told him to do something. She went on to complain that he also always said no when he was asked to stop doing something so a new activity could begin. She was so outraged by his behavior I was simply stunned. Let's see, he had a 20 second processing delay that was the cause of his "staring". It literally took him 20 seconds to understand what you asked of him and if you spoke to him before those 20 seconds were up you only reset the clock. He also had extreme trouble transitioning and he always said no when it was time to transition. If you gave him cues that a transition was coming up soon his anxiety was eased. That enabled him to transition with less fuss. All the behaviors that she attributed to him doing to annoy her were just a part of who he was. He needed accomodation and instruction; not to be labeled as a rude kid. It was no secret to me that his problems in her classroom were an indication of her lack of caring and lack of understanding. That teacher obviously didn't know the secret to being a good teacher.

Here it is...the big secret. It's earth shattering so hold on to your seats. Don't teach unless you really like kids. I'm always surprised when I meet a teacher who is completely miserable doing their job and yet they keep teaching. Care about them and let them know you do. Always look for the reasons behind a students behavior. Talk to your students. You'll be surprised at how much you can learn about them. Last but not least, remember you can't help every student but it is your responsibility to try to help even if they don't want it. If your not the person, a kid in trouble, is connecting with, find someone else who can help that student. Love what you do, even on the hard days. It all really boils down to caring. When you care the kids know it. They respond to that. Students will only remember a portion of what teachers teach them but they never forget the lesson of kindness and genuine caring.

Empathy Overload

Sometimes I find it very hard to be human. I seem to be over-emotional about so many things. OK, to be fair I have a lot to be emotional about at this point in my life but I am over the top. I just found myself in tears while watching an old Whoopi Goldberg movie. Sister Act 2 is not supposed to make people cry. Yet the scene where the young people discovered their voice as a choir had me weeping. I am such a sap. I can barely watch the news. All the horror and tragedy is so depressing. I know I am a mystery to my husband who just doesn't get how he married someone who can cry during a TV commercial. I don't get it myself.

The seperation from my family that is imposed upon me right now is partially of my own choosing. I couldn't envision myself leaving the students I teach in the middle of the year when I knew that finding a replacement would be very hard. I knew that my students who had come to trust me would feel abandoned and that I would just be another adult in their eyes who gave lip service to caring about them. There was a financial consideration as well, but the overriding concern that led me to have my family go to Virginia and for me to stay in New Hampshire was my students. I miss my own family so much. It is killing me to be away from them. I thought somehow that it would be easier. I was wrong. I don't regret my decision. I know that I chose the right thing yet that doesn't make it easier.

I feel my students dismay at my leaving, I feel my son's sadness at my not being there, I get that my husband is completely stressed. I'm not sure I can have a clear feeling of what I am feeling when I am so bombarded by everyone else's emotions. For the last two days I have been feeling so low...so down...a regular pity party. I am trying to keep it together and then a dumb movie on TV has me in tears. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel everything eveyone else is feeling quite so strongly.