Overwhelmed

I haven't added anything here lately due to brain overload. Everyday is a struggle right now. This whole moving, husband ill. retiring, new job, money issues, need to unpack, three boys, need to diet, has me a bit crazier than usual. You know that feeling that you get when you need to focus on something important but it is so daunting to think about it that you just can't let yourself think about it? Wow..that was a bad sentence but I think you get what I mean. I am so freaked out that I can't put it down in black and white. It would make all my problems become too real. I am letting my husband deal with the financial strain of this whole thing....but I know its not good. I know it could be certain disaster just around the bend....I know that if the Department of Veterans Affairs doesn't hurry up and process my husbands claim that things will not be good. If they had done what they had said they would do and get the issue resolved when my husband retired then we wouldn't be in trouble. Nick took this job down here because he was certain that he had to get a job to help us. He is still not fully functional. Every time he gets a headache, everytime he has to go into work late or come home early, everytime he can't sleep, I panic. What if the headaches set back in on a daily basis again? What if he can't work? Our budget did not handle the move well and just recovering is going to take a long time. Not to mention that my pay from New Hampshire ends in August and I won't get paid at my new job until the last day of September. That is a whole month without my salary and we can't afford that right now. So, even though I said I couldn't think about it....it is all I think about. I said I couldn't put it in black and white...but I am at least writing about some of it. I am so scared. I am trying not to let the boys know how worried I am. I am trying to just keep pushing forward and I am praying that it will all work out OK. I feel sick to my stomach and I am perseverating mostly because I don't know how to make this all work out. I feel so helpless. I want to be a kid again. I want to not have to think about anything other than the day in front of me. I can't even imagine how amazing it would be to have one day free of worry. Just one day....

Job Interview

Yesterday I had a job interview. I wasn't too concerned since I taught for them for three years before we moved to New Hampshire. I think it went OK but maybe not. I suppose I put all my eggs in one basket by only applying there and now I am panicking. What if they don't want me back. What if somehow between working there before and now they decided that I'm not good enough to work for them? What if the sky fell down and squashed what little self esteem I actually possess. Sheesh....I am a mess. I worry constantly and now I'll be stressed on this until they decide if they want to hire me or not. What do you think the odds are that they will make a decision today before the weekend? Yeah, your right. They are probably not going to make the decision that fast but it would be nice. If it is a positive result I can relax this weekend. If it is a negative response I can cry all weekend....I might just do that anyway. I seem to be on overload. On the positive side ( I know, with me that is an oxymoron) it is a lovely day here and I am sitting outside on the little patio enjoying my coffee. I have three great kids. I have to remind myself of all of those things.