On The Edge

Back in May and early June time was crawling forward as I waited to be reunited with my family. Time seems to be going far too fast for me now. I want summer to stay much longer. I am dreading the end of summer. I can't seem to get my feet under me and I feel like I need more time. I have struggled on and off with depression for years and I can recognize the symptoms. Major life changes always seem to be a time when I have to really watch myself. I am trying hard to get stuff done around the house but what I want to do is lie down and zone out all day. It is a struggle to get myself moving. When I am successful and I get some of the things on my list done I feel better. When I give in and zone out I feel worse. So you would think that would make it a no-brainer. All I have to do is get up and get moving to feel better. Right? Wrong. I wish it was that easy. Even though I am aware of the trap...even though I can see that solution....my brain tells me to just give up and take a nap. The desire to just hide in sleep is tempting beyond belief. What I am hiding from is another question all together. I could whine and whine and whine all day but none of those petty things are really the cause of my feeling so bad. It is irrational and stupid but seemingly uncontrollable. I have tried medicines in the past. I hate being on meds. I always end up going off of them once I am back on my feet so to speak. I'd prefer to just ride this bout of depression out and conquer it myself. If I will be able to is yet to be determined. I won't let myself fall too far off the cliff. Luckily, I have a great husband who gets that sometimes I can't control how I feel. He won't let me fall too far off the edge without sending me a lifeline. The love of my kids is also a huge help. They aren't really aware of how important they are to me or how much I love them. I refuse to let them down too much...though as a dear friend once said " your not doing your job as a mom unless your kids think your a little crazy". Well, I am sure then that I am doing a brillant job *smirk*

Overwhelmed

I haven't added anything here lately due to brain overload. Everyday is a struggle right now. This whole moving, husband ill. retiring, new job, money issues, need to unpack, three boys, need to diet, has me a bit crazier than usual. You know that feeling that you get when you need to focus on something important but it is so daunting to think about it that you just can't let yourself think about it? Wow..that was a bad sentence but I think you get what I mean. I am so freaked out that I can't put it down in black and white. It would make all my problems become too real. I am letting my husband deal with the financial strain of this whole thing....but I know its not good. I know it could be certain disaster just around the bend....I know that if the Department of Veterans Affairs doesn't hurry up and process my husbands claim that things will not be good. If they had done what they had said they would do and get the issue resolved when my husband retired then we wouldn't be in trouble. Nick took this job down here because he was certain that he had to get a job to help us. He is still not fully functional. Every time he gets a headache, everytime he has to go into work late or come home early, everytime he can't sleep, I panic. What if the headaches set back in on a daily basis again? What if he can't work? Our budget did not handle the move well and just recovering is going to take a long time. Not to mention that my pay from New Hampshire ends in August and I won't get paid at my new job until the last day of September. That is a whole month without my salary and we can't afford that right now. So, even though I said I couldn't think about it....it is all I think about. I said I couldn't put it in black and white...but I am at least writing about some of it. I am so scared. I am trying not to let the boys know how worried I am. I am trying to just keep pushing forward and I am praying that it will all work out OK. I feel sick to my stomach and I am perseverating mostly because I don't know how to make this all work out. I feel so helpless. I want to be a kid again. I want to not have to think about anything other than the day in front of me. I can't even imagine how amazing it would be to have one day free of worry. Just one day....

Crab Crazy

My sons have discovered that there are crabs to be caught in the creek in our back yard. They are small Blue Crabs that are apparently dumb enough to let themselves be caught by boys who have never crabbed in their life. Ian used a hook and my dental floss to catch the first one. Later when they really got going they were using my plastic kitchen bowls. At one point, I came down from upstairs to find a big red bucket full of smelly crabs and minnows in my kitchen. OK, I am a pretty supportive mom but I draw the line at odiferous sea creatures in the kitchen. I can't stand the smell of seafood and considering what a hot day it was the odor was not pleasant. Yuck. I can tell now that crabbing will not be my favorite pastime. After keeping them awhile I made the boys releaase the little critters. I guess I need to look in the rules around crabbing. I kept envisioning the game warden arriving and arresting me for crabbing without a license. Do you need a license? Is there a crab season? Looks like living in Poquoson is going to educational to say the least.

Swim Meet Heat

Take a lot of sun, add a bit of blazing heat, one pool, and a few hundred kids...what do you get? A very long swim meet. Phew...it is so hot here in Virginia. Living in New Hampshire the last few years has spoiled me. It is rarely over 90 and even if it does get hot during the day it cools off at night. This weekend we are dealing with the sun and heat and the drama of competition.

My boys are having a good meet. We have seen lots of time drops and they should be pleased with themselves. We have also had some not so great swims. Unfortunately, that is the reality of sports. Not every event will be your absolute best. The boys are still learning how to handle those disappointments. Tomorrow is another day and they will each have 4 or 5 more races. Hopefully they will have another good day. As for me,I will be trying to keep from melting. As miserable as it is to sit in the heat all day I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love watching my boys swim. I love seeing them do well, seeing them do poorly, seeing them do it all. I love just being there with them.

We all miss our friends in New Hampshire. We miss the families that have become like family to us. They are irreplaceable and of course we are trying to convince them to move to Virginia and join us. (Did I say it was hot...no its not! Every day is perfect and lovely...it never rains...never freezes...its amazing here *grin*) Until they all move to Virginia, it is nice to have new families to hang out with at swim meets. The new team is really small right now and the families are great. They have been very welcoming and have gone out of their way to make my kids feel at home. That's what is great about swimming....great families.

Happy Fourth

Happy Fourth to everyone. Summer is here and the fourth has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love fireworks. So we invited people over tonight for a barbeque. Our thinking was that the town park is right by our house and we would be able to see the fireworks from our house. Great plan. Eat some food, watch the fireworks...no traffic. Sounds great right? Wrong. The fireworks were last night. Sigh. It never occured to me that they would be last night instead. Oh well. We can still eat burgers and grilled fish. I was bummed about the fireworks. We did go to the end of our driveway and watch them but they weren't overwhelming. On a scale of 1-10, these were a 5 at best. It was kind of disappointing. Hopefully between now and tonight I can get the house looking sort of OK. But I doubt it. I've been awake for 3 hours now and have accomplished nothing but lazing around. I watched the last eposiode of the Starter Wife that I bought on iTunes. I cried, of course I cried. We have established that I cry easily haven't we? Well, I cried again. I was happy for Molly, sad for Molly, happy for her friends, sad for Lou. I get way too involved in these things. Though from a critical standpoint. The Starter Wife was great TV. I thought it was well done and well acted. I'm sorry it is over. Well, enough blabbing. I better go clean the house. Happy Holiday everyone and may your fireworks be better than mine. (if you live outside the USA, make some fireworks of your own *wink* and have a blast)

Sunday...Moody Sunday

The house is so quiet. Everyone should be up and about. Everyone should be doing some chores. We should have gone to church. But.....Nah.....not today. I feel surprisingly like doing nothing. All but myself and my youngest are still snoozing. He is off playing on the Wii so he isn't bothering me. Actually I had to make him cinnamon toast to make him go away. But now that his belly is full he is fine and I am alone with my thoughts. It is sunny and hot outside. I can hear the roar of lawn mowers. Ours certainly needs to be mowed but its too hot for that, at least for us. I should be cleaning and unpacking and getting this place into shape. But...Nah...not today. Maybe it is just my depression talking, maybe it is just a lazy Sunday, maybe it is just exhaustion. There are so many things we "should" be doing. So many things that "ought" to get done. So many thoughts I don't want to be thinking about today. Yesterday my oldest turned 14. How is that possible? It doesn't seem possible. Time slips away in such a strange way. Days seem to take forever and years fly by. So maybe just for today I slow down and ignore all the shoulds and oughts and just let myself be grumpy.