On The Edge

Back in May and early June time was crawling forward as I waited to be reunited with my family. Time seems to be going far too fast for me now. I want summer to stay much longer. I am dreading the end of summer. I can't seem to get my feet under me and I feel like I need more time. I have struggled on and off with depression for years and I can recognize the symptoms. Major life changes always seem to be a time when I have to really watch myself. I am trying hard to get stuff done around the house but what I want to do is lie down and zone out all day. It is a struggle to get myself moving. When I am successful and I get some of the things on my list done I feel better. When I give in and zone out I feel worse. So you would think that would make it a no-brainer. All I have to do is get up and get moving to feel better. Right? Wrong. I wish it was that easy. Even though I am aware of the trap...even though I can see that solution....my brain tells me to just give up and take a nap. The desire to just hide in sleep is tempting beyond belief. What I am hiding from is another question all together. I could whine and whine and whine all day but none of those petty things are really the cause of my feeling so bad. It is irrational and stupid but seemingly uncontrollable. I have tried medicines in the past. I hate being on meds. I always end up going off of them once I am back on my feet so to speak. I'd prefer to just ride this bout of depression out and conquer it myself. If I will be able to is yet to be determined. I won't let myself fall too far off the cliff. Luckily, I have a great husband who gets that sometimes I can't control how I feel. He won't let me fall too far off the edge without sending me a lifeline. The love of my kids is also a huge help. They aren't really aware of how important they are to me or how much I love them. I refuse to let them down too much...though as a dear friend once said " your not doing your job as a mom unless your kids think your a little crazy". Well, I am sure then that I am doing a brillant job *smirk*